extrem incest

I’m Bob Grant, now a 38 year old single parent to my 15 year old daughter Tracy. I’m a very successful businessman, and as a senior partner in a large electronics company I am well compensated. Since I can afford it, I support my parents and my good for nothing brother, Tim. Why, it just seems like the thing to do. Seems that I was the family genius, while my brother was good for sports, women and spending money. My money.

I lost my wife, Nora, to cancer two years ago, after fighting the damned disease for a year and a half. My wife was my life, my joy, my happiness and the only love I’ve ever had. We started dating when we were both 16 and were extremely happy together until age 36, or so I thought.

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When Nora died, Tracy and I were totally devastated. Our love for each other was the only reason why we are still alive. I contemplated suicide — but having Tracy kept me alive.

Yesterday was exactly two years that we have been without Nora. I took Tracy out to the graveyard; we put flowers on her grave and quietly wept. It was as if Nora had left us only yesterday. Then we went and had a meal at the restaurant Nora and I used to frequent.

Back at home, we looked through the albums we had of our good times.

After going to bed and hoping that Tracy will sleep well, I really let go. My memories of Nora flooded through me and I started weeping quietly, crying my heart out, and without noticing — I was sobbing aloud. I remembered our wonderful love and love making — and sobbed louder, curled up, cuddling the pillow and just sobbing.

Suddenly the bed sagged, and there was Tracy crawling into bed with me, sobbing as well and hugging me.

“I miss her too, Daddy. I cannot describe how much I miss her. She gave me so much, taught me about life, about becoming a woman. Especially during her last year it seemed as she was trying to teach me everything she knew.” She hugged me as if she was crawling into my body. That’s when I noticed she was completely naked — as was I (my usual way of sleeping).

“Tracy, this is not right. You shouldn’t be with me like this.”

“Mom told me you’d say that. She told me that on the two year memory day you’ll break down. She told me you’d never start a new relationship with another woman and asked me that — if I wanted — I should come to your bed so we can comfort each other in the way only you and she knew.”

“Please don’t send me away, Daddy. We both need this.”

She took my hand and placed it on her right breast, and then she placed her own hand on my cock and started, very gently, to fondle it.

“This is my first time, Daddy. I want it just as much as you need it. Mom told me that you are a wonderful, gentle and considerate lover. Please make my first time as good as she described it.”

I was losing control. Three years without sex and having this gorgeous girl in bed with me was taking effect. My cock jumped to a full erection within seconds. The feeling of my hand on her breast brought the forgotten feelings back.

Shutting off my conscience, my hand started feeling her body. Her young and firm breasts were wonderful. I felt her nipples beginning to harden. I let my hands explore her young body. Caressing her back, her beautiful ass, her thighs, then back to her breasts lightly squeezing and twisting her now hard nipples. One hand sliding down her tummy and then between her legs. Her slit was only slightly damp. I moved my finger very lightly — like a feather — along her slit, applying a bit more pressure and started sinking between her lips.

She started panting, all the time stroking my cock. I lost control and erupted shooting my sperm again and again until only a dribble was seeping out. It was one of the biggest ejaculations I ever had.

I lay there catching my breath for a short while.

“Do you really want this, Tracy? There is only one first time in your life. Won’t you regret it later?”

“Oh, Daddy. You are using the exact words Mom said you would. She knew you so well. Yes, I want this more than anything in the world. I want my wonderful Daddy to introduce me to sex. Not some boy in the backseat of a car and taking care of his needs only. Mom told me that if I really wanted to enjoy my first time — and if I wished, more times — you are the best for it and no one is better.”

“It seems that your mother bared our most hidden secrets to you.”

“In her last year, when it was clear she was going to die soon, she told me and taught me a lot. I do hope you are not mad about it Daddy, because I will cherish her teachings for all my life.”

My head was in turmoil. I could not believe what Nora had taught our — then 12 to 13 year old darling daughter.

“Make love to me, Daddy. Please.”

Unable to resist, I rolled her onto her back and moved between her thighs. Getting close to her pussy the odor hit my nose. The smell I have not had for the past three years, the smell of an aroused woman. I inhaled it, getting dizzy, then I pushed my tongue out and started licking her. First, very lightly around her wonderful pussy, the top of her thighs, her mound. Then her slit. Starting lightly and then building up pressure that had my tongue penetrate her outer lips. I found her hole and tongue fucked her for a while. She was already panting and groaning, her pelvis was moving up and down in uncontrollable movements. Now I attacked her clit, licking it stronger and stronger. It didn’t take long and she started groaning aloud and thrashing her whole body. Then her body became stiff and unmoving and her hands clamped on my head while her thighs closed and caught me in between.

After a few minutes she started to relax, releasing my head in the process.

“Oh, my God! This was the best experience I ever had!” “Is it always so wonderful?”

“Well, my love, what you experienced up to now is what’s called “foreplay”. The main course is yet to come — if you are still sure you want it.”

“Daddy, please stop asking that. If your main course is better than your “foreplay” — I wouldn’t miss it for anything.”

“Tracy, my sweet, I keep asking those questions because I don’t feel comfortable with what we are doing. This is something that should not happen between father and daughter, no matter how much they love each other. You caught me at a very weak moment and as I think your mother instructed you. I won’t stop now. But I don’t know how my conscience will behave in the morning. It will probably kill me.”

I leaned over and started licking her pussy again. I did so until she was very near to her second orgasm then I moved up and aimed my cock at her entrance. After moving it a few times along her slit I found the spot and started pushing into her.

“This is going to hurt for a short while, Honey.”

“I know, Daddy. Please go on and do it!”

Pushing slowly into her until I found her hymen. I moved back and made a few short strokes while playing with her clit with my thumb. When she started panting again — I slammed into her. Two or three more moves and I had my whole cock in her. There was a tear running down her cheek and she caught her lower lip with her teeth. I stopped moving and let her rest.

“Tell me when the pain goes away.”

After about two minutes she started wriggling her body, first experimenting slowly and then faster.

“It’s OK now, Dad. Go ahead. Fuck me.”

I started moving in and out, first very slowly but as I saw that she was getting into it I started moving my hips sideways, up and down and in all directions. Every time I pushed in — she would feel me differently, at another wall inside her pussy. She started to meet my thrusts with movements of her hips. Gasping and grunting.

“Yes Daddy,… oh this is good… I love it… I love you Daddy… God… harder Dad, oh, this is… like… Mom said… it would be… oh, so good…”

Then she started to wail higher and stronger, until her body became stiff, hips raised eyes clenched tight, breathing short and hard.

This pushed me over the edge and I started spurting into her womb.

It took a while until we relaxed, our breathing finally becoming normal. I started sobbing again.

“Daddy, please don’t cry. Mom is watching and she approves. She told me to do this and besides, I have wanted it for a long time. She told me exactly when you’ll be ready for it and she was right. She loved you very much and so do I, Daddy. Please stop crying. You didn’t do anything wrong, you didn’t force yourself on me. I initiated it out of my love for you.”

She held my head in her arms rocking me back and forth.

“Daddy, apart from making love to you, I have something else Mom gave me for you, but for this you’ll need to call your office in the morning and take a week off. A week may not even be enough, but we’ll start with that.”

“What could your mother have given you two years ago that would force me to take a vacation in the middle of a year?”

“Trust me, Dad. You are going to need it. Also, are there any tranquilizers in the house? I think you are going to need them too.”

I was very puzzled. What could Nora have left to be given to me two years after her death?

After a relatively good night’s sleep, I went down to the kitchen to have some breakfast. My head was working overtime. Last night I fucked my daughter. Will she hate me today?

Tracy soon joined me.

I looked at her questioningly. “How are you, sweet? Any hurt? Any regrets? Are you going to hate your Dad now?”

“No, silly. I loved every moment. It was the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me. I hope there will be many more times that you’ll make love to me.”

“Dad, have you arranged for the days off?”

“No, but I will now. I’m curious about this, whatever it is that you have for me.”

I arranged a week off without any problems, and then Tracy came to me with an envelope in her hand. This time she had a very serious, maybe painful, look on her face.

“Daddy, this is a letter Mom dictated to me a week before she died. We both cried a lot while she dictated it, and I could not stop crying while I typed it. This is going to be very painful for you to read. You may feel like you are going crazy. You are going to hate the world including Mom, me and your entire family.”

“But before reading it, please just try to remember that in spite of the things in the letter Mom loved you very much until the moment she died and that I love you and will continue loving you for the rest of our lives. Please take a tranquilizer pill now, and keep the pack close. I’ll leave you alone now with the letter. I love you.”

She started to cry while giving me the letter and left the room.

My darling, dearest and only love,

This letter is going to hurt your pride, your ego and your love for me and for others.

You know that I believe in re-incarnation, and also that the soul of any man or woman remains around his loved ones until satisfied that everything is fine. If things do not turn out fine — the soul, in the form of a ghost, will cause troubles to those loved ones.

I am in that position. After 14 years of marriage I must confess to you about things I did that you knew nothing about and never suspected, as your love for me was without conditions and with total belief.

You see, my darling, my physical (sexual) needs were much higher than what you gave me. I am not saying our love making was bad or that I did not enjoy it. It only was not enough.

You always “made love” to me slowly and gently, and always gave me the best orgasms — but many times I just needed to be “fucked hard”. You know the difference. While I tried to hint at this need many times — you insisted that “making love” was the best way of showing love.

So, even before we got married I had to make a choice. Leave you and seek what I physically needed — or marry you and lead a double life.

I chose the later option because I loved you too much to lose you. This love is as strong today as it was when we first started to date. I hope you can believe, though it would be hard to understand, that I still love you with all my heart — but that I had to seek fulfillment of my physical needs elsewhere.

My darling, if I did not express myself clearly enough — I cheated on you all along our 14 years together, starting even before we got married.

My first was two months before our wedding — your father. After seeing the way he was looking at me I noticed the big bulge in his pants and decided to seduce him. It was very easy. I just made him swear he would be discrete about it. This was not really necessary because he told me something that was going on for many years — all of your family, including your father’s two brothers and their entire families had been practicing incest for years. Every boy and girl was introduced to family sex at the age of 14. All but you. As it was explained to me, even at age 14 you were a square head, dense and a total nerd. Your parents were afraid that once you were introduced to the family sex you would run to the police or some other authority. So, I believe you did not know about your family’s incestuous habits until reading this letter.

You know I spent a lot of time with your family — many times without you and now you know why. Even when we visited them together, I would disappear with any of them for short periods, and you never suspected. Your father, your brother and your uncle Joe used to fuck me as rough as I wanted, and I enjoyed every minute with them. This went on until I became bed ridden a year ago. Let me make it clear — your family loves you. They are very proud of their smart and successful son — they only wish your character was a little different. Not so serious all the time. Liking more FUN. But, as you were (and the reason I fell in love with you — and God knows why too) they could not risk letting you join the family fun.

Let me remind you how surprised you were when you got quick promotions at work, and when higher responsibilities were thrown at you. Well, I was not surprised as — at least until your real qualifications showed — I paid for those promotions in my own way. Old Jeffrey who then owned the company was 78 years old and could hardly move, but when he had his cock sucked he was still a man. His two sons who took over from him were real studs. The several times I spent with them they fucked me until my cunt was smoking! It was all discrete, of course. They were married too.

Then, there was Nick, your best friend at the time. He wanted to get into my panties from the first time he laid eyes on me. So I let him. He was the first one to fuck my ass. Poor guy, after one of our sessions in which I really exhausted him — he had the car accident in which he was killed.

There were a few others, but it doesn’t really matter. You have the picture.

My darling, how can I convince you of my real love? I know I have hurt you very much with this letter, but I have no choice. Only after writing it can I be sure that my soul would go peacefully to wherever it should go. I almost wrote “to heaven” but after all I did and described here I would be content knowing that my soul is somewhere in peace with itself.

There is another thing I must tell you. For the past year I’ve been teaching Tracy about sex. Although I did not demand it — I suggested to her that you should be her first lover. Your gentle and considerate love making is so special that I really wanted you to be her first. I also suggested to her, that if she feels she wants a different kind of sex, rough and hard — she should turn to your family. Please do not deprive her of the ability to choose.

My love, I know you so well that I could tell Tracy that on the second memorial of my death you will break down. I told her that this will be the time when you are vulnerable enough that she would be able to seduce you. I advised her not to try anything before she turns 15, because your thick head will not allow you to do anything with her at an earlier age. Also, that if she did it with someone else and you found out about it — you may throw her out after making the connection to the content of this letter. Whatever she may want —she is our daughter and we should go along with her. She is not a slut like me. She is a very gentle and caring person. Please treat her as such.

If you are reading this letter — two years went by from my death, and Tracy succeeded in seducing you. You have now practiced incest, and you may feel that you want to join the rest of your family. That is, if you can overcome your hurt from what you now found out.

I must repeat again that I chose to live a double life only because I loved you so much I could not live without you. It will be very hard, but if you’ll ever be able to separate my sex life from our love and our wonderful 14 years together — it will solve everything and make the rest of your life simpler.

Whatever anger you feel now — please do not take it out on Tracy. She is only my messenger. She loves you very much and as she is the one to whom I dictated this letter — with lots of tears by both of us — I know that even while you read this, she is hurt and probably crying in her room, waiting for your reaction.

Last thing — do I have any regrets? Well, no and yes.

No regrets because I lived a wonderful life with the man I loved so much, and who loved me even more. What I did, wrong as it is, enabled me to live this life. Otherwise — I would have had to leave you, maybe even before marrying you.

I do have regrets because of the way I hurt you with this letter. For the last year and a half, ever since we knew about my disease and my coming death you devoted yourself entirely to me. I actually had to remind you a few times to spend quality time with Tracy. You were with me at the hospital every free minute you had, encouraging me, holding my hand or crying with me. I can only guess how much you were crying when you were not with me. That is why, after you went home every day I started having the worst feelings of guilt for what I did to you and the knowledge that I just had to tell you about it after my death.

Again, I’m sure you are taking good care of Tracy, just keep doing it and please, please, please — don’t hate her.

Hoping you can believe me,

Your very loving wife,

Nora

I went up to my bedroom and sat on the bed. I was dumb founded. Feeling as if someone has kicked me in my stomach, or worse — in my balls. Tears started running down on my cheeks. I felt dizziness enveloping me, as if my soul had left my body and is looking from above.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!” I roared like wounded lion.

“AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!” with all the force my lungs could give.

I kept roaring until my throat could not pass a sound. I kept roaring until I collapsed.

I slid down to the floor, folding into a fetal position and kept sobbing.

I heard a sound — Tracy was at the bedroom door sobbing.

“Daddy, take another tranquilizer, please.”

I pushed her away. I could not face her or anyone else.

I remained alone in my room, folded on the floor, sobbing myself to sleep. I don’t know how long I slept. I do know that I only used the bathroom and apart from that I did not leave my room, just lying on the floor and sobbing every minute that I was awake. From time to time I noticed Tracy at the door; she came in, hugged me, sobbed with me, told me that she loved me and then disappeared.

After three days I calmed down a little. I came out of the bedroom and entered the family room — where my brother Tim was watching TV. I have to explain here — my brother used to be good at sports in high school and the two years he attended college. He never finished his studies. He lived part of the time with our parents, and the rest of the time at my house. Having a wealthy brother caused him not to seek any work or any other productive deed. He simply lived off my money.

“What are you still doing here?” I asked. “Don’t you know what I’m going through?”

“What? You are not the first guy whose wife cheated on him.”

I suddenly saw red.

“Why, you good for nothing, motherfucking son of a bitch!” I yelled. “You’ve been fucking my wife for years while living off my earnings. What more do you want? My daughter? If she’ll want you — she’ll call you or go to your place, wherever that may be. You have one hour to pack your stuff and leave. Don’t leave anything behind — from now on this house is off limits to you for the rest of your life, you miserable piece of shit!”

“And while you are leaving I also suggest you start looking for a job! You’re not seeing any money from me ever again, you parasite!”

“NOW MOVE! You goddamned son of a bitch!”

“Daddy!” Exclaimed Tracy. “How can you? He’s family?

“Family? The family that discriminated against me for more than half of my life? The family that betrayed me and cheated me? Is this what you call a ‘family’?”

Now I was getting mad again.

“Do you want to be part of that family, Tracy? Better do some thinking! I will not have you living a double life as your slut of a mother did! If you want to choose — choose! Either life with me or a life with those people, the people who deceived, betrayed and cheated their own son!” I went back to my bedroom and closed the door. I had to calm down. I was beginning to take it out on Tracy and she did not deserve it. So I took another tranquilizer pill.

An hour later and more in control of myself, I knocked on Tracy’s door.

“Come in, Dad.” She was crying.

I went in and hugged her. “I’m sorry I yelled at you, sweet. You are the only family left for me. There is no one else. I really don’t want to lose you too.”

“What about Grandpa and Grandma?”

“Well, from you Mom’s letter I understand they actually gave up on me as part of the family many years ago. They only need me because I’m rich and they — like your no good Uncle Tim — like their early retirement and living on my earnings. That is going to stop, and from that minute I’ll be a piece of nothing for them the way I was when I was younger.”

“Daddy, do you want me to grow up with no one but you? No grandparents and no uncles?”

“My sweet, your slut Mom wrote in her letter that you are to choose. I’m not trying to threaten you in any way, but the choice is yours only. Just be certain of your choice because I won’t allow any double standards while I am responsible for you. One slut was enough.”

I started to sob again, so I went back to my room.

An hour later, Tracy knocked and then came into the room.

“Dad, please take another tranquilizer and then take a shower, shave and come and have dinner. Uncle Tim has left, and you haven’t washed or eaten for 4 days now. I’m cooking dinner and it will be ready in an hour.”

“I’m really not hung…”

“Daddy, please! Remember I told you before you read the letter that you are going to hate everybody. If you decide to hate me too — I’d better go and live with Grandma. I am not to blame for what Mom had done and I don’t deserve to be hated. Please wash up and come have dinner. We have to start a new life — the life after the letter — and we have a lot to talk about. At least with me, try to behave without hatred and anger. I love you so much I won’t be able to bear you hating me too.”

I hugged her and held her close. With more tears in my eyes I apologized: “Sorry, baby. I’m only so afraid that you’ll take your mother’s advice regarding sex, and if you do — the only thing left for me is to kill myself.”

“Don’t worry, Dad. I saw some of what mother had done and I’m not going to be like her. I did not like it then and I won’t like it now. I may be only 15, but that is adult enough to have personal views and opinions. Although I loved mother very much, my opinion is that any married person should either be totally faithful to his/her spouse or not stay married. Mom tried to explain to me the reasons for her infidelity, but I told her my opinion as I’m telling you now. Then I was only 13. Do remember that she wanted YOU to be my first, and ‘only suggested’ that if I want something different I should look elsewhere. Well, at least as long as I live at home — I’m with you and nobody else. I only hope that after we all calm down that you’ll make love to me many more times. Even Mom said that where love is concerned — you are the best. My once with you was my first, and was somewhat painful, but I enjoyed it a lot anyway. Let’s make love many more times; I know it will only get better.”

“One more thing, Daddy. I won’t have you calling Mom a slut. Up until 4 days ago you loved her more than anything in the world. Yes, she did some awful things, but she still loved you very much. We should try to study her explanations and try to understand her. If we can’t — maybe we should consult professional help. We just can’t turn a great love into hatred. I have another idea as to why she wrote the letter. I think she knew that you will not start any relationship with another woman because of your love for her, and she was trying to make you hate her so that you would feel released from your bond with her.”

“Tracy, my love, you are too smart for a 15 year old. You sometimes astound me. This idea of yours is something to think about. But there is something else you said earlier to which I have to respond. You now want me to be your lover, something over which I have to fight with my conscience. But I must insist that you lead a life like all girls your age — that means dating and having fun. If you fall in love with someone special and want to make love to him that would be fine as long as all necessary precautions are taken. That reminds me that we have to get you to a doctor and get you on the pill.”

Late in the afternoon on Sunday, the door bell rang, and when I opened the door I found my parents there. I did not ask them in, but I went out instead.

“You must have heard that you are no longer welcome in this house,” I said. “I came out and I’ll speak politely for Tracy’s sake and not for any other reason.”

“Son, aren’t you over reacting?”

I was really lucky I took another tranquilizer a while earlier.

“Over reacting? Well, let me see. My late slut of a wife was kind enough to let me know two years after her death a few things I was never aware of, and never suspected:

First - From age 14 I was discriminated against by my whole family.

Second — Not only I was discriminated against— I was a disturbance at home causing the rest of the family a lot of discomfort and having to sneak around.

Third — I was the square, thick headed no good nerd.

Fourth — Because I was always serious — I wasn’t fun to be with.

Fifth — The first person my wife cheated on me with was my own father, followed by the rest of the family, and this went on from before we got married until the time she could no longer have sex.

Sixth — My loving family re-discovered me when I turned out to be a successful businessman who earns a lot of money.

Is there any other way you see things? Because, well, I may be a little prejudiced, you know. But over-reacting? I don’t think so. Up to the time I became wealthy you did not want me as part of the family — so now that I’m cutting all contact with this so called ‘family’ on my own free will you say I’m overreacting? In addition, I am stopping all money transfers to your account. You should start living according to what you earn. And last, unless Tracy decides — against my wishes — that she’d rather live with you than with me — she does not exist for you. I told her very clearly that she should make the choice as I will not allow any double living or double standards at my home again.”

“You’ll prevent Tracy from seeing us?”

“Why, Dad. Do you already fancy her in your bed?”

“I don’t think there is any more to say. I told Tracy yesterday that she is the only family I have, and I meant it. For me — you two with Tim, Linda and my uncles — are all just a bad memory. Now I suggest you leave because my tranquilizer’s effect is almost over and I don’t want to be accused of murder.”

I turned, entered the house and locked the door.

Tracy was in the family room, sobbing. She had heard everything and was mourning the loss of her greater family. I couldn’t decide whether I should leave her alone or try to comfort her so I sat on the couch with my head down, held in my hands.

I now believe that Tracy was stronger than me during the whole affair. She came over to me, hugged me, caressed my head and murmured words of love and comfort in my ear.

Monday morning I had one more thing to settle. I called my company’s chairman and told him I’m leaving. As I was a full third partner in the company, and I knew the company’s market value, I told him I wanted $12 million for my shares. I gave him first choice and a week, or else I would put the shares up for sale to anyone who would want them.

“What happened? Why the sudden decision and why the aggressiveness?”

“My wife decided to let me know two years after her death the way she acted to help me get my promotions. Is that clear enough or should I elaborate?”

“Bob, you’ve made yourself very clear, but remember one thing — whatever she did with my father or with my brother and with me — she never let it go beyond plain raw sex. Also she insisted on total discreteness which we accepted without question. She told us many times that although she gave us her body — her heart was all yours forever. She just had certain needs you did not fulfill, and this is not criticism from me. It’s a great pity that you are leaving us, and we’ll miss you and your expertise a lot. I don’t know the details of what your wife told you — but you should try not to let hatred for her overcome you. She deserves much better.”

With that the conversation ended. Within a month I would have my $12 million and I will never really have to work again. It did not even enter my mind to start a competitive company, I was through working.

Another year went by. Three years without Nora — a full year of “life after the letter.”

My feelings about the letter and its contents were still bad. I missed loving Nora, and I missed missing her the way it should have been. People have different beliefs about reincarnation, about where the soul goes after death and about ghosts. But using this miserable excuse as a reason to ruin my love and my life, well, I just could not understand it. I kept feeling like a cuckold husband whose wife cheated on him and then told him all the details expecting him to keep loving her.

On the third anniversary of Nora’s death Tracy asked to go to the graveyard and visit her mother’s grave. I drove her there, helped her find the grave, and then went and sat on a bench about 50 yards away. When she was ready to leave we went home. We frequently discussed our feelings, so my behavior did not surprise her.

The next morning Tracy came down to breakfast red eyed and agitated.

“What’s wrong, Tracy?”

“Nothing. Just memories.”

“Come on, Trace. We have memories every day and every hour, for good or for bad. You are not your usual self today. What happened?”

Tears started welling up in her eyes, and soon she was sobbing. My heart was being torn while I hugged her and let her sob on my shoulder.

“I had a very strange dream last night. Mom came to me in my dream and she was crying. She said she had missed the purpose of her letter as you now hate her, and that her soul is suffering because of your hatred. She said that had she been alive — she would have killed herself seeing your hate and suffering. She begged me to find a way to make you forgive her — and I don’t know how or what to do.”

I tried not to let it show, but I was getting angry. First my life was ruined because of stories about souls and ghosts, and now I had to deal with dreams! All the stuff that I did not believe in and could never understand!

“Trace, you know my beliefs on the subject, and you know I still do not understand the reason for the humiliation I had to suffer. I’m sorry, but this time I simply cannot help you.”

“Please go to the graveyard, and just sit by her grave for a while. Maybe the closeness will cause something to change in the way you think and help in understanding her. Please do this for my sake, I’m begging you.”

After a few minutes of getting control over my anger I finally agreed.

“All right, I’ll go this morning. It will really be for your sake only, and I’ll go alone.”

Later in the morning I drove to the graveyard, and sat down by the grave. I was deep in my thoughts, crying from time to time — once for my loss and again because of my feelings. Somehow I sat quietly and serenity came over me. My mind became blank. I was sitting there not wanting to move. And then I smelled the perfume. The same perfume Nora used to wear, the only one she loved. I looked around me and found no one near. Then a gentle breeze came and felt like a hand gently caressing my cheeks. Again I looked around and surprisingly all the trees and bush were motionless. If there was any wind — it was only on me. I became calm like I’ve never been before. No thoughts at all, just enjoying the light wind caressing me and the smell of the perfume.

Then, as suddenly as it has started — the wind stopped and the scent faded away. But the sense of calmness remained.

After a few minutes I came back to my senses and tried to analyze my feelings. I had a very strange experience just now and could not explain it.

I arrived home much later than expected, as Tracy was already back from school. She just looked at me for a long moment and then said: “You were at the graveyard.”

It was not a question, just a statement of a fact.

“Yes. I was.”

“And?”

“I can’t explain it, but I had a very strange experience there.” And I told her of my experience and the strange calmness I still felt.

What she said then was astounding.

“Even three years after dying Mom still knows you like no one else does. In the dream I told you about, she asked that I find a way to send you to visit her. She promised that if you do — you’ll become a different person. Different for the better. Try to think about her now and tell me what you feel right now. Forget the feelings of the last year — just what you feel about her right now.”

I had to think hard, taking my time, and when I opened my eyes I only felt wonder.

“Trace, do you know what happened to me? Your way of questioning makes me feel you know something that I don’t. I don’t feel the hate or the anger anymore! For the last 10 minutes I was thinking about your mother and all that came to my mind was about the happiness we had together. I’ll either go crazy or I’ll start believing in the super natural!”

Tracy was weeping and smiling at the same time. And with clenched fists she suddenly whispered: “You did it, Mom!”

That night Tracy came to my bed, only the second time since her mother’s death. The first time was a year before.

This time I was ready for her. No questions, no talking. We lay hugging each other close for a while and then made love slowly and gently. Now she was not a virgin and there was no pain. Her wailing orgasms kept me hard for hours. The level of pleasure that night equaled the best nights Nora and I had had.

A few days later, as summer holidays were about to arrive, Tracy threw a bomb at me.

“Dad, I want to ask something but I don’t want you to be mad at me.”

“Well, let me just promise that I’ll do my best to control my temper.”

She spoke fast, not letting me interrupt.

“Dad, I miss Grandma and Grandpa a lot. I’d like to spend a few days with them this summer. I know how you feel about them and I quite agree that you can’t forgive them, but I’m not part of what’s going on at their home and never will be. I’d like to call them and make sure they understand that I would not participate in any of their “special” activities, and that if they can be just a normal Grandma and Grandpa for a few days — I really want to go.”

My temper was boiling, but I promised to control myself. I poured a drink, went out to the balcony and lit a cigarette — something that I have not done in a long time.

Tracy knew me well enough to leave me alone, but I saw her taking peaks at me through the curtain a few times. She was worried about me. My attacks of rage were not easily forgotten.

Finally I waved to her to come join me.

“Listen, Tracy. You know that I don’t like this, but you also know I can hardly ever refuse something you want. You are a bit over 16 now and that is considered adult in many places. You can speak to whomever you want, just be sure of the reason for your visit and I’ll drive you over. Don’t expect me to enter their house — I’m not ready for that and I don’t think I’ll ever be.”

Tracy hugged me quietly and then said: “I really appreciate it. I know how difficult this is for you. I’ll make sure they all know the reason for my visit is just that, a visit, and that I won’t participate in any ‘family fun’. You know that I’ll never do anything which may cause me to lose you or your love. I’ve seen you angry and hating, and I just can’t have all this turned towards me.”

She called my mother while I was working so I did not hear the conversation. I only saw her eyes red and traces of tears when I got home.

“Anything wrong, sweet? Has anyone spoken badly to you?”

“No, Dad. The conversation just got very emotional on both sides. Grandma and I spoke for nearly an hour and cried half the time. She also missed me very much. Tonight a letter will be delivered here by messenger with all our understandings.”

“OK, sweet. I hope none of us will ever regret this visit. When do you want to go?”

“Summer vacation starts on Thursday, but you are working, so it would be great if you would drive me over during the weekend.”

“Fine. But in case I forgot, let me give you one last word of caution. Beware of your uncle Tim. He is such a no good low life that in spite of the letter we are about to see — he may start something with you, and he may even use force. Just be careful and call me if anything happens.”

I drove Tracy over to my parents’ on Sunday and returned home. I had a few days to think things over and to try and make plans for the future.

Ten days later Tracy called: “Grandma is driving me home tomorrow. I’ll be home about 6.00 pm.” She sounded fine, and maybe even happy. Well, if this visit made her happy I’ll have to include my parents in my future planning for her.

At 6.00 pm sharp Tracy was home. “Grandma wants to talk to you. She is waiting outside. Take your time, Dad, and let off some steam, and then I really think you should listen to her.”

“Another premonition, Trace? The way it was with your Mom?”

“No Dad. This is more like a day dream. A wish that the family will be together again. I know and understand my dream may never come true, but please, give it a chance.”

I went out to the balcony and lit a cigarette. Damn, the smoking habit is coming back.

From the balcony I had a clear view of the driveway, and I saw my mother pacing back and forth by her car. What seemed strange was that her hair was white! She used to have brown hair, and had it dyed for the past few years (well, she is way over 60 now) but this was the first time I’ve seen her with hair white.

After a nod from me Tracy went and asked my mother in.

Entering, my mother wanted to hug me, but I pushed her away.

“Let’s not get too enthusiastic, mother. The fact that I cannot refuse anything Tracy asks for does not mean that I like you any more than I did last year. Please sit down.”

“Tracy, please get us some drinks. Don’t worry, there will be no conversation until you are with us, and I’ll control my temper.”

As soon as Tracy left us, mother started: “Bob, I…”

“Mother, you just heard me promise Tracy there will be no conversation until she returns. I know that truth and honesty are very strange and unfamiliar to you but these are the principles upon which I’ve built Tracy’s and my lives and we are both comfortable with them. You may still learn a few new things at your age, like honesty, faithfulness, trust and who knows — maybe even love. These are very high values you have never lived by, so learning them may still do you good.”

When Tracy returned with the drinks I explained to her: “Your Grandma wanted to start the conversation while you were out so I just explained to her the values by which we live and pointed out a few values which never existed for her.”

“Daddy, please don’t start fighting. Please… !”

“OK. Mother, what did you want to talk to me about?”

“Bob, you know that not all people think alike and that people can be very different from each other. Can’t you just accept the fact that you just think differently from the rest of the family? Should this make you hate us instead of trying to understand?”

“No, mother. I explained last year very clearly why I’ve cut myself off from my so called ‘family’. Should I explain it again?”

“I, as your youngest son, was discriminated against from age 14 until I left for college, I was a disturbance to your lifestyle. You decided that my character did not fit yours so you have not given me the right to choose — you just cut me out.”

“When Nora decided to lead a double life (and right now we are speaking about you and not about her) my own father was the first one she seduced — easily as she says. Then, for all the years we were married you had all the fun with her behind my back. This isn’t about ways of thinking, mother. This is outright cheating, deceiving and cuckolding.”

“So let’s see — discrimination and cheating for over half of my life — is this just a different way of thinking? If this is how you think about it then the differences are so big we have nothing more to discuss. You just reminded me of what Tim said when I read Nora’s letter — he said I’m not the first man to be cheated upon by his wife. Well, speaking of differences — some men can tolerate it, some even like watching but for me — if not for Tracy I would have killed myself as soon as I finished reading the letter. So, Mother, why should I accept your way of thinking while you can’t accept mine? All that happened ever since I became 14 was a one way deal — I was cut out, I was cheated on, and I was cuckolded by my own family. I was a disturbance to your lifestyle — but — surprise!, when I became a successful and wealthy businessman - I became popular with the family again. I was not a disturbance when visiting you, because you enjoyed my income and enjoyed my wife at the same time.”

“No, mother. There is nothing that can be used as a bridge between us. This went too deep and too long. Your first question also shows me that you have no regrets at all. You still think that I have to adapt to your way of thinking.”

Mother was crying softly. “Since last year when you ‘kicked’ us out we’ve been through a lot of changes. Look at me. Do you remember any time that I did not take care of myself? Your father looks like a ghost. He has lost a lot of weight, he quit working out and he generally looks bad. We do have regrets, but we still have not found the way to express them — not even between your father and me. Tim lives with us but he became an arrogant and self centered fool. Linda got pregnant twelve years ago, married a no good piece of nothing and we hardly see her once a year, and now we have lost you. It is hard for us to accept that what we considered “fun” for so many years is the cause of breaking up our whole family.”

Tracy was looking at me with pleading eyes, but not saying a word.

“No, Tracy. I understand that you want me to forgive, but I just can’t. I was badly hurt for too long and too deep, and listening to your Grandma — you have to agree with me there is nothing to go back to. Our values of honesty, trust and faithfulness still mean nothing to her. Sorry, Trace, but I’m not getting back into this corrupt and untrustworthy family.”

“You haven’t told me yet how your visit was, though.”

“Grandma’s and Grandpa’s condition tore my heart out, but they really did their best to make my time enjoyable. They behaved like normal grandparents.”

“Well, at least for once they kept their word and did not try anything sexual with you.”

“Uncle Tim tried to start something and they sent him out of town until tomorrow. Grandma and Grandpa are no longer in shape or condition to start anything.”

“Trace, sweet, you wanted me to listen to your Grandma, and I have. You heard everything that was said. If you want to visit with them again I will allow it, but don’t expect me to forgive and go back. I just can’t, and if you press I may just break down.”

“I know, Dad. I really did not hear Grandma say anything that may change your mind. But I still love them — in spite of what they caused you — so I want to keep in touch with them. I still remember — and will never forget — the first year after mother’s letter. I don’t want to go through that again.”

“Mother, I don’t think there is anything else to say. I’ll remain polite and say that you can join us for dinner if you wish, but from this minute on the topics of conversation will change to what is known as “small talk”. After dinner it will be Good Bye for good. Don’t try to see me again because I won’t agree to it. I can only hope that some day your sleeping conscience will wake up and make you feel very remorseful.”

When mother left I lit another cigarette. The old habit was coming back real fast. Tracy and I went out to the balcony and stood there hugging each other for a long while. The only thing she said was:

“Thank you for trying, Dad. You were right with your final conclusions. I wish they could recognize what they did to you and I’m very sorry that they didn’t. We spoke a lot at Grandma’s when I was there. I gave them a copy of Mom’s letter to you. When they read it — Grandma said that there is no way you would forgive, but she thought she had to try. I really thought she would make a move towards you, but she didn’t.”

“She did say one true thing. There are many different kinds and types of people around the world. You are grown up enough to know which kinds you’d want to associate with and which not. What you just said shows a lot of maturity. I hope your choices through life will be more similar to mine than to the others you now know.”

Two months later, the door bell rang and I really had a surprise. My sister Linda whom I haven’t seen for over twelve years stood there.

“Well, well, look what the cat brought in.” I said. “What brings you to see me after all these years?”

“Thanks for the warm welcome, little brother. I know how much you love me too.”

I knew only what mother told me about Linda, and the fact that she was in on the incest scene that included my Nora.

“I think we can skip the pleasantries. We are total strangers to each other anyway. So, what brings you here?”

“I just divorced my no good husband of twelve years, and coming home I found that Dad had a bad stroke. He is half paralyzed and can hardly speak, but when he speaks it’s about one thing only — he wants you to come over and let him apologize.”

“Oh, do you have any kids to play with?” I was getting sarcastic.

“No, I don’t have any kids and your sarcasm is wasted on me. I had a miscarriage and never had any more.”

“Well, if my sarcasm is wasted I suggest you get up right now and go back to my so called father and tell him that I wish him a pleasant death and may he roast in Hell. And if Mother gets the same way — don’t waste your time or energy coming here.”

“Mother said that you’ll react like this, but remembering the sweet nerdy kid you used to be - I could not believe her. I see that when you hate someone you put all your heart into it.”

“That depends on the reasons. I don’t hate Nora any more although it took years to get it out. But being betrayed by my own family for such a length of time is something unforgivable. I’m sure you know the whole story and I really don’t feel like going into the details again. You were a part of it anyway.”

“You know, during my divorce and after it I started thinking differently about things such as having a family and what it can mean. So maybe I can understand how you feel. I’m not a believer, but I do hope that some day we can return to being a family again.”

“What kind of a family, Linda? The kind in which all members are equals or the kind where one member is discriminated against by the others?”

“Ok, Ok, I see your point. What you are saying is “no chance”. I really can’t blame you as we really treated you like an outsider.”

“Linda, there is nothing more to be said, so you can go and deliver my reply to… to father. I hope his feelings of guilt will not leave him for a second.”

Two weeks later I saw a double obituary in the local paper. My father died in hospital and my mother committed suicide with sleeping pills.

When Tracy heard about it she began crying, but much less than I expected.

Linda tried to make contact again, which I refused. All the inheritance amounted to was a few thousand dollars of debts, which neither Linda nor Tim could pay. For me it was peanuts money so I paid up.

Tracy was 17 now and had gotten herself a boyfriend. One night she crawled into my bed as has happened a few times before, but this time I refused to make love to her. I explained that in my opinion she could not have two sets of relationships at the same time and that having a boyfriend her age has a much higher priority than keeping me happy or satisfied. I further explained that I will not agree for her to have a double life like her mother had, as in my opinion that could only lead to disaster.

——————————————————————————–

Epilogue
Tracy graduated from college as a landscape architect. A year later she got married to a fellow student and had a wonderful life. After six years of marriage I had three grandchildren — two boys and a girl.

In one of our conversations Tracy told me about other couples they knew whose marriages broke up after just a few years because of cheatings, and thanked me profusely for hammering my values into her. At the same time she confessed that she told her husband everything we’ve been through, including the fact that we used to have sex together, and why it had stopped. I felt very uncomfortable about this. I never intended our relations to become the knowledge of more people. She saw my discomfort and reminded me that one of the most important values I had taught her was complete honesty.

Tracy and Gerry, her husband, were over one evening; he joined me on the balcony as I was having another cigarette. I still have one occasionally.

“Bob, I understand Tracy told you that I know everything about your family’s past. She did not see fit to tell you about me because she was not sure I wanted it known. You see, I also come from an incestuous family. The difference is that everybody was given a choice. We are five brothers and sisters and were all given the choice at age 14 to learn about sex from our parents, being told that it was a safer, healthier and more loving surroundings than having our first time with people who didn’t know more than we did. One of my sisters chose not to join with the family, mainly because she had started having sex at age twelve and continued enjoying it with the same partner. She knew about our activities and decided not to be bothered. Having had the choice made it easy for her. She is now married to the same guy she started dating when she was twelve. My parents are no longer alive, but my brother and two sisters still meet from time to time and enjoy each other. Tracy knows all about it, and although she chose not to join us — she has no objections and she is actually all for it as a way to keep the family together. Let me make it clear, though, that if she ever raises an objection — I’ll stop everything. She is too precious for me to take any risk about our marriage.”

“What I’m trying to say is that I know why you stopped having sexual relationship with Tracy. I also know that because you chose to stay alone — she wants to be with you “to ease your pressures”. I want you to know that I have no objection at all and I think about it as something really beautiful — the love and bond between father and daughter.”

“Lastly — Tracy did not ask me to tell you all this. As Tracy and I have been talking over the months, she has been hinting she wanted to find a way back to being intimate with you. The rest is, of course, up to you.”

I sat quietly for a long while, absorbing everything that I heard. I guess it was quite difficult for Gerry to reveal his family secrets like this.

“I appreciate your candor and straight forwardness. It couldn’t have been easy for you revealing your family secrets like that. I do hope you are right about the way Tracy feels about it. I agree that being given the right to choose makes a great difference from what I’ve been through.”

“I have got used to not having a woman in my bed. I really don’t miss it that much. But if it means so much to Tracy and it is with your full agreement — I may reconsider the next time the subject comes up.”

“The subject is coming up now, Daddy.” Came from behind my back. Tracy was in tears and hugged her husband. “Thank you ever so much, Darling.”

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